Day Twenty One
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It is another day on the endless carousel of waking up, completing the same list of limited activities, going to sleep and starting again. However, there was added excitement today when I realised that I forgot what the car looked like, so I stared out the window for five minutes whispering, "it's so blue".
I feel like 2020 is just one big swirling cloud of uncertainty, striking the ground with questions and dilemmas that I have never felt before. I feel grateful that I can stay at home to keep myself and my family safe. I also feel guilty and conscious that I am very priviledged to be in that position. I don't want to complain whatsoever because I am very lucky. However, I also feel deeply hurt that I am separated from my partner, and will be for the rest of the lockdown. I feel helpless because my family and I are all too frightened to leave the house because of underlying health conditions in the household. We are all lacking sunlight and fresh vegetables, the latter being something I never thought I would miss. I am stuck on a seesaw of ignoring the news completely and keeping an eye on the news far too much. I see posts both praising and criticising the goverment, and truthfully I have absolutely no idea how they're doing. I've never seen a pandemic. I've never thought about how I would deal with one. All I know is that one death is too many, and that all deaths should have been avoided if it was possible. I don't know anybody who would advocate for anything less, unless of course we're talking about our friends over in the Herd Immunity Camp. I don't know anything about Herd Immunity except it sounds like a fucking terrible idea.
In an oddly fitting way, I am teaching a module on Utopias and Dystopias this semester. We have covered technology, artificial intelligence and virtual reality, war, natural disaster and totalitarianism. Next week we are looking at Utopian and Dystopian Music, and I wonder how close we will feel to the desperation, anger and hopelessness we will hear. I wonder what music will be born from this time, and will it be remembered like all of the music we'll be studying next week. Some of us could have a little laugh at the idea of robots or animals taking over the world, but I'm not so sure how close to home we're going to hit in the coming weeks. Incidentally, I just finished reading Fahrenheit 451, and it felt very, very strange reading a dystopic novel in these circumstances. I can only imagine the terror of trying to make it through lockdown without books. I would have liked a little more from Millie and Faber, but I get this story was focused on Montag's transformation. I will probably read it again in the future when my ability to concentrate has returned.
I'm missing my partner. I'm missing my extended family. I'm missing my friends and colleagues. So what else is there to do but fill the void with fictional characters? I read something recently about how children who struggle to make friends tend to fix this problem with fictional characters, and I felt called out, and then I accepted it. Not only am I slowly making my way through Supernatural, but I am also watching Gravity Falls, one of my favourite animated tv shows. I'm also being kept company by my virtual villagers on my virutal island in Animal Crossing: New Horizons. I'm pretty proud of how my island is developing and I'm THIS close to making a YouTube video about it. However, online teaching has taught me that seeing my face and hearing my voice online is one of my least favourite activities. All you need to know is that my museum is surrounded by waterfalls and I love it.
Please do direct me to how you are dealing with this situation. Share your blogs, currently-reading, hobbies and Animal Crossing islands!
Stay safe saplings x
I hope you don't mind that I am just making my way through your latest posts and going on a commenting spree!
ReplyDeleteI wanted to say that I really identify with what you've talked about in terms of feeling conflicted about how you're situated in the midst of what's going on, and reading the news. All of what you're feeling is totally valid. And it's okay to also not know how to feel! Or to oscillate between this reaction or that one, or five others.
Last year, Tom and I took a holiday to a place where there was no phone signal or WiFi. It was pretty excellent and when we came back it took me another week or even two to turn my phone back on or go online. I felt like I'd had a detox and I didn't want to get sucked back into the awful whirlpool of "the rest of the world and the terrible things that are going on in it." Since then I've been very, very strict with myself about what sites I go to, the news I read, and the online content I engage with.
Sometimes I'm not proud of the fact that you could probably successfully argue that I'm opting to be a bit ignorant. I'm aware that choosing to not read the news is an incredibly privileged thing to do. But honestly, it used to feel like when I woke up and looked at the news on my phone, or constantly checked the headlines, I was just drinking poison. I don't miss the feeling. I like feeling a bit more comfortable in my headspace.
I don't think that's a bad thing to want, or to strive for. Putting up some barriers to keep the world out is an okay thing to do, especially if it's something you need to do for your physical and mental health. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for needing to do that, and don't let the thought of what someone might say about your decision stop you. If you ever want to talk more about this, like about how I've put up boundaries and that sort of thing, I'm more than happy to. I just want you to know it's okay, to feel how you're feeling, and to do something about it if you want to!
Also, fictional characters are absolutely the bomb and it is fully acceptable to view them as real people, as friends, as people you're kind of in love with. It's a beautiful thing to feel that strongly about anything <3 Keep doing what makes you feel full and happy!
I absolutely do not mind at all!! It's so lovely of you.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with the poison analogy! I want to be aware and politically engaged, but at the same time it hurts every time I scroll down another page of terrible news. It does feel privileged to shut off, but at the same time I don't think running ourselevs into the ground with news will do anybody any good :)
Thank you so much for your support <3 I'm also totally on the train of having fictional characters as friends, and I'm glad that I can switch to doing something like that instead of drinking the poison!